I’m going to say something validating or painful—I’m not sure which one. Your life sounds unpleasant, and I️ (again, a random fictional dog) think it should change. But I️ am not saying that your husband sounds like a bad person.
If you want to work on your marriage, I think you can. The task would not be simple, but what I propose would at least be relatively passive: listen. Not forgive, not empathize, just listen with an open mind. Invite him to speak.
The rest is your husband’s responsibility. Could you encourage him to talk to a therapist about all this, if he isn’t already? And, if it’s feasible, the two of you should talk to each other with the help of a couples therapist.
It seems to me that, logistically, you haven’t agreed on who is in charge of what in the marriage, so, from your perspective, he oversteps his role. People often make charts delineating roles in marriage for the opposite reason—to make sure each partner pulls their weight—but I can’t see why it wouldn’t also work the other way around, to make sure that one partner doesn’t take on too much, whatever their motives.
Maybe this way, you could carve out some quality time with your son, during which your husband isn’t allowed to nitpick or criticize the way you do things. And perhaps you can also figure out some concrete ways to spend some more time with your husband. The biggest question, of course, is whether your husband is willing and able to try, and whether you are interested in trying.
Finally, whether your marriage improves or not, please let me gently remind you to nurture your life outside of husband and child. Having friends and meaningful interests takes the pressure off of things at home, and in your head, too. Sometimes that’s all we can do.
Love,
Pepper
