Dear Eric: I have been attending shows of local bands for more than two decades and have met a very nice group of people who go to these shows and developed many nice friendships. Due to health reasons, I normally sit in the chairs in the back, will wander and socialize at times and sometimes at the intermission I will go up to the front of the stage, (standing area, not regulated) and socialize and stay for a few songs.
I am not a wild dancer, I need the cane to keep my balance, I sway back and forth to the rhythm.
Recently, a few minutes after the second half started, a lady came up to me and rudely told me to leave, that I was in her spot. I replied that we were both in front of the stage to enjoy the music. A few minutes later her husband came up to me and very angrily got in my face, accused me of hitting his wife with my cane and threatened to beat me up if I did not leave immediately.
I tried to explain it was false, but he wasn’t listening, repeated his threat, so I left. There was no bouncer at the club to ask for help.
I was able to call him and left messages saying I wanted to talk. No response. I hesitate to go to another show, I do not want to have a confrontation. I want to reach an understanding so there is no threat of violence going forward. Friends have said they will accompany me and stand by me if something happens. People who know him say to stop calling him and to “just let it go.”
– Concertgoer
Dear Concertgoer: Don’t let this man keep you from a good time. From your telling, the problem is his not yours and you shouldn’t spend more time trying to fix it. So do let it go but also do keep going to the shows.
Take your friends up on the offer to stand with you for your own protection and peace of mind. Hopefully, this confrontation was a one-time thing, possibly fueled by alcohol or something else going on in this couple’s life. You’ve been going to these shows for 20 years and have developed a community. One of the primary functions of community is to show up for us and have our backs.
Dear Eric: I have been friends with Teri for more than 25 years. We have been through marriages, divorces, celebrations and condolences when loved ones pass. Even though we no longer live in the same city, we still remain close through emails, texts and phone calls.
The issue is her husband, Bill. He’s a bit of a blowhard and no one likes to be around him. My husband really doesn’t like Bill and since we no longer live in the same city it’s generally not an issue.
We are going on a cruise and have invited my sister to join us. She has extended the invitation to another friend who is also friends with Teri and Bill. My sister asked her friend not to mention the cruise to Teri and Bill because she knows my husband would refuse to go if Bill was going.
What do I do if they find out and decide to join us? I don’t want to go with them because I know my husband would not enjoy himself and frankly neither would I! Should I be frank with Teri and tell her Bill, and therefore both, are crashing our party?
– Sinking Ship
Dear Ship: There’s a skiff full of ifs that have to happen before Teri and Bill come aboard your boat. But, if they do find out, even though your sister asked her friend not to say anything, and if they do decide to come on the trip, and if they ask you to make room on your itinerary, then you should be direct but not unkind and tell Teri that you appreciate her friendship, but you’re not vacation friends because of the way you feel about Bill.
I’m not saying this is an easy thing nor that it’s going to go over well. It probably won’t.
But if you don’t want to go on vacation with Bill and you don’t want to cancel your ticket, then you have to be direct.
However, don’t let your frankness be a hard no. Make it a “no, but.” You can’t forbid them from coming on the cruise, nor should you try. But you can ask Teri if there are other ways that you could be together, whether it’s a visit for just the two of you or something else. Here’s hoping it doesn’t come to all that and you can enjoy the cruise without a tough conversation.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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